Prompt: Not Anymore

It might be better for me if I could, but I can’t really hold grudges at this point in my life. Not even against people who used and abused me. The past is immutable and the people I could carry a grudge for don’t give a rodent’s furry derrière about how hurt I may have been or how I have ever felt. Why should I be the one burdened with that anger and spite when they don’t care and probably don’t remember what they did? Why should I carry the weight of hatred and rage while they walk around blissfully removed from that?

For my own sake, I had to face the reality that my past couldn’t be fixed. The memories still bubble to the surface and cause me some pain, but it isn’t as bad as the daily agony of living in that pain because I had not yet truly accepted that the past is unchanging and static. And it was a second wave of relief when I forgave everyone involved. I will never forget but my soul felt lighter when I let it go and let it be.

It took a while longer for me to forgive myself, but that’s the tricky one, isn’t it? You can’t let self-forgiveness turn into rationalizations and excuses, but you also can’t go through life hating the only person you can never get away from. You have to love yourself at least as much as you love your enemies. You owe it to both the person you were at the time and the person you have become.

I know people who say that a person who hurt them “doesn’t deserve to be forgiven” or that “they need to ask forgiveness.” But that other person is not the one still feeling that pain, and they probably don’t feel like they need forgiveness for anything anyway. Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person you forgive. It’s a mercy you show yourself.